The day after my first Mother’s Day, I was sitting in my rocking chair, holding my chubby sleeping 5-month-old, studying his eyelashes and the slope of his forehead…and I began to cry. I have cried many times in the last few months while holding this particular pile of sleepiness, usually out of an overwhelmed oh-my-gosh-I-never-thought-I-could-love-someone-so-much feeling.
But this time it was different.
I cried because I felt sad. And guilty.
I feel sad because I know countless women who live day-to-day in a lonely, familyless, babyless place, who long for life in their womb, snuggles in their arms, and/or a husband to come home to. I know others who have had Life in their bellies only to have to say goodbye to that most precious little one. Others had babies who spent more time in the NICU than in the womb, and some never got to come home. Still other parents are wanting to graciously bring home children born to someone else, yet are wandering through a desert wasteland of unexplained waiting. I feel sick thinking about all this suffering…
I feel guilty that my baby is so healthy, so happy, and that he’s mine. I feel guilty that I’ve wanted children so badly since I was a tiny kid, and I got one. First I got a husband who still takes my breath away and loves me harder that I ever hoped. Then we got this precious boy who lights up the room and takes my breath away in a whole new way.
And it’s just not fair.
Now, Jesus is dealing with me regarding this guilt thing; I know it’s not healthy or helpful for anyone. But at the root of the heaviness is the knowledge that I just don’t deserve the good things in my life. I believe God gives us these desires for marriage and families and babies. And sometimes he gives these things, and it’s rich and wonderful. But other times he doesn’t. Or he cuts the time short. And we are left with that lonely, burning question: WHY?
And I absolutely do not have an answer to that question…
But I know what the Word says about the character of God:
“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4)
“For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good things does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.” (Psalm 84:11)
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)
But Jesus also said,
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
When Jesus makes a statement like that, we can take it as a promise. He PROMISES tribulation in this world. But he also offers Himself and the victory he has over all things as an eternal salve for our wounds.
Truly, everyone suffers. If it’s not for lack or loss of family, it’s for the lack of money, the absence of community, the loss of a dream, or something else. We may not all experience the same hardships, but we are all united in that we ALL SUFFER. And we can be united in seeing our need for something bigger than what we can conjure up to satisfy our souls. And Jesus is that. At the root of every desire is a longing for joy, love, acceptance, companionship, and purpose. And those things Jesus gives freely to all who ask.
As I stare at my precious, healthy child, I can only think of one thing: I simply don’t deserve this sweet gift. I am not worthy. And the truth is, none of us are.
And that’s the Gospel.
We didn’t deserve Christ’s substitutionary death for us, or even ask for it. It was “while we were yet sinners…while we were enemies of God we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son.” (Romans 5:8-9) And there is no good thing in this life that we have lived righteously enough to have earned. To believe otherwise exposes a pride that thereby disqualifies us from self-earned salvation. Yet God offers a gift greater than children, greater than family or wealth or happiness: HIMSELF.
I pray that you who are reading this who are walking through unimaginable pain and heartache, that you would fall on the arms of Jesus. That if the thought of Jesus being ENOUGH makes your angry or bitter or confused, that you would let go of those expectations and expect God to heal your wounds, hold your hand, direct your steps, and win your heart.
Because he sees you. And I see you. Your wounds are not forgotten or overlooked. You have a Savior who cares for you, who is familiar with suffering, and who loves his own glory enough to make good on every promise in his word.
AND THAT’S A LOT OF GOOD STUFF.
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. … What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:18, 31-32)
*If you have questions or thoughts about this, please share!!*
Evangelism. For most people who associate with Christianity, this is more uncomfortable than any four-letter word. We ask,
Isn’t trying to “convert” people kind of egocentric?
Do we really need to talk to people about Hell?
I’m not a pastor, why should I go around preaching?
Most people in America have heard the Gospel anyway…why beat a dead horse?
These are all great questions. Because I love lists, let’s address them one by one:
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1.Isn’t trying to “convert” people kind of egocentric?
An authentic disciple of Jesus would love people the same way He does:
“When [Jesus] saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, ‘The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.’” (Matthew 9:36-38)
Jesus’s response to seeing masses of people with no spiritual direction was to mobilize his disciples to reach them. A disciple of Jesus chooses to answer this call because, like Jesus, we care about where people spend eternity… not because we want to watch people squirm or prove that they are wrong.
The first time I saw the movie “Hitch” this idea slapped me full in the face. If you know the storyline, Alex Hitchens (Will Smith) is a covert “date doctor” who helps guys learn how to woo their love interests with personalized (and genuine) romantic gestures. But Vance Munson, one of his potential “clients,” turns out to be a disgusting womanizer, only interested in women for one reason…
Vance: [after telling Hitch that he only wants a girl so he can sleep with her] “No, I was told that you help guys get in there.”
Hitch: “Right, but see, here’s the thing–my clients actually like women. ‘Hit it and quit it’ is not my thing.”
In the very same way, real Christians actually LOVE people. We’re not after conversion notches on our belts, and if a count of converts does become a source of pride and self-aggrandizement, shame on the church. Evangelism is NOT recruitment. Seeking to grow attendance numbers in a church as a way of measuring some worldly idea of “success” is an abomination of God’s design for spreading the Good News of Jesus.
“We are not, like so many, peddlers of God’s word, but as men of sincerity, as commissioned by God, in the sight of God we speak in Christ.” (2 Corinthians 2:17)
Areal love for people’s soulswill be a natural overflow of our own authentic salvation.
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2. Do we really have to talk about Hell?
Penn Jillette, from the popular duo Penn & Teller, put out a great personal statement on the urgency of evangelism and his experience with a Christian (Penn is an Atheist):
“I’ve always said I don’t respect people who don’t proselytize,” Penn says. “I don’t respect that at all. … How much do you have to hate somebody to believe that everlasting life is possible and not tell them that??”
Here’s the thing. Christians didn’t make up the idea of Hell to ostracize people they don’t like. (That’s not to say some misguided Christians don’t continue to useidea of Hell to ostracize people they don’t like…unfortunately.) The truth about Heaven and Hell comes from the Word of God, who has the ultimate authority over the destiny of humanity:
“And this is the testimony, that God gave us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. Whoever has the Son has life; whoever does not have the Son of God does not have life.” (1 John 5:1-12)
“And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in Hell… So everyone who acknowledges me [Jesus] before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, but whoever denies me before men,I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.” (Matthew 10:28-33)
God freely offers salvation to all those who fall at the feet of the Son saying, “I’ve got NOTHING to offer. My heart’s desire is to please myself, and I have betrayed you. I am headed toward my own ruin and destruction. SAVE ME.” And because God always fulfills his promises, HE DOES SAVE. He holds the keys to our eternal freedom, and he offers this freedom PRODIGIOUSLY.
The Gospel is a message of LIFE and HOPE, and “evangelism” is simply the action of explaining how one obtains this Life through Jesus. The word “evangelism” comes from the Greek word euangelio. The prefix eu (as in euphoric) means “good.” Angelio means “message” (as in, angels are messengers from God). So evangelism is literally “good-message.”
The church should not, by any means, sugar-coat anything. Hell is a very real place. (Scripture makes this clear in Matthew 7:13-14, Matthew 7:21-23, Romans 6:23, Isaiah 33:22, James 4:12, Revelation 20:11-15 and many others places.) And sometimes, an accurate explanation of what God says about sin IS called for. However, a guy standing on a street corner yelling to girls in short shorts that they are going to burn in Hell, this is NOT “good-messaging.” This is a presentation of a few biblically based concepts covered in theological bad breath. It’s repulsive.
Christians have not been commanded to parade their religiosity or condemn people. We don’t have that power anyway. Rather, we are are to INVITE people to Christ to…
and escape the righteous consequences of our sin—Hell—because Christ bore God’s wrath for us.
“Since we have such a hope, we are very bold.” (2 Corinthians 3:12)
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3. I’m not a pastor, why should I go around preaching?
Pastors are the guys who get paid to do all the evangelism, right? WRONG. It was the disciples–the regular Joes–Jesus was talking to when he said,
“Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.” (Matthew 28:19-20)
It is the joyful obligation of every Christian to…
But the vast majority of Christians are not sharing their faith, and have no idea how to facilitate a spiritual conversation with someone. I believe the reason is twofold:
1.) We live in a culture that nearly forbids open conversation about religion. People tend to think that if someone shares an idea with you that you don’t already identify with, they must see you as inferior and/or feel animosity toward you.
2.) Many American churches aren’t challenging people—despite cultural obstacles—to intentionally reach out with compassion and boldness. Also, Christians are not being taught how to talk about Jesus. Overall, churches are fostering a culture of milk, not solid food.
The writer of the book of Hebrews says,
“For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of Gods. You need milk, not solid food, for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.” (Hebrews 5:12-14)
It is the responsibility of pastors, elders, husbands, parents, and other leaders in the church—along with every Christian who leads another person to Christ–to equip new believers to feed themselves on the Word as well as to reproduce themselves, according to 2 Timothy 2:2.When believers are not equipped and challenged to reach beyond themselves to become everyday missionaries in their own communities, they will sink into complacent spiritual immaturity and end up living by their emotional impulses.
It doesn’t help that preaching in a lot of churches has become simply a running commentary on topical verses with motivational application points. Biblical exposition has tragically fallen by the wayside. By forsaking the “solid food” of scripture, pastors are lulling their congregations to sleep. So afraid of stepping on toes, they will avoid the hard stuff of scripture and paint a picture of a passive, nice Jesus.
But the Jesus of the Bible is a fierce warrior. A priest of a non-religion. A king from another world. A controversial politician. An unsuspecting servant. A role-challenging humanitarian. A thrilling adventurer. He never promised Christians a safe life or even a happy one. He promised persecution and suffering…along with unexplainable, other-worldly JOY.
If every Christ-follower was engaged deeply in a passionate love-relationship with THIS Jesus, personal evangelism would be an exciting, natural overflow.
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4. Most non-Christians in America have heard the Gospel anyway…why beat a dead horse?
Miley Cyrus. Justin Bieber. The Kardashians.
What do these people have in common? They all say they are Christians. I have to admit, I do keep up with the Kardashians from time to time, but seriously… these people are not exactly models of the Christian faith. And I’m not just referring to the twerking.
Here’s the thing: liking the idea of God and thinking that Jesus was a cool guy does is NOT equal to salvation. Jesus is NOT your homeboy. He is not just a name to throw around at dinnertime or when your team needs one more touch-down. He is the Living God. The Beginning and the End. The Justifier and Judge. The Warrior on the White Horse. For those who will not submit to his Lordship, he is to be feared.
While 92% of Americans have attended church (according to the “Millennium Study” by Taylor Nelson Sofres Intersearch), just showing up for church does not make a person a Christian either. Christians are people who have fully surrendered their lives to Jesus and bear spiritual fruit by the power of his Spirit. So how do we get people from a church pew into the spiritual Body of Christ? By preaching the true Gospel.
“How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, ‘How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!’” (Romans 10:14-15)
To go on passively allowing people in your church to believe that just showing up gets them saved is heresy. To shy away from the hard truths of scripture because it will make someone uncomfortable is cruel and selfish. May we not bow down to a false god who strokes our egos and advocates self-indulgence. May we not be more interested in staying our comfort-zones than feeding lost people the Bread of Life!
You know that line, “preach the Gospel daily; use words if necessary”? THAT’S NOT BIBLICAL. Yes, your walk should match your talk, and actions DO speak louder than words. But let us not deceive ourselves into thinking that smiling, being nice and holding doors open for people will lead them “from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they might receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in [Jesus].” (Acts 26:18) We must engage in deep conversations and invite people to a point of decision… because to remain neutral about Jesus is to reject him.
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My prayer is that every Christian who reads this will be motivated to begin asking gentle, caring questions of their friends, family and neighbors, trusting God’s Spirit to draw people to himself. We must plan to sit down in the mud and filth—just like Jesus does with us—and wrestle with the hard questions.
I don’t presume to know all about how to build the perfect marriage. But as a girl who has tried the wrong way to do just about everything, I can’t keep my mouth shut after all the incredible lessons I’ve learned. Man, our God is so patient and faithful! He has kept me from ruining my own marriage in the last 3 years by exposing 6 lies I was believing:
All lies I tell you!!!
1. I can only respect my husband after he has earned it.
2. If I don’t point out my husband’s sin, he’ll never realize what he’s doing wrong.
3. When my husband hurts me, he is my enemy until he earns his way back into good standing.
4. I don’t have to be grateful for the things that are expected.
5. My man’s track record must dictate how I treat him.
6. My husband doesn’t really need anything from me; I can live to please myself.
So if you can’t see all the ways these things could wreak havoc on the beauty and intimacy God intended for marriage, allow me to explain. The Lord revealed 6 biblical counter-principles to combat all this ugliness:
1. Respect ought to be unconditional. As a woman, how would I feel if my husband said, “This meal you cooked sucks. Maybe I’ll love you more if you can improve the recipe.” Or, “Gosh, you sure are acting ugly today. I’ll love you again when you do something lovable.” That would be awful!! But a lot of women don’t realize that respect is the universal “love-language” of men. So throw out the Golden Rule and treat men not how you want to be treated (expecting gushy emotion-sharing and opinions on interior decorating), and give your man what he really wants and needs: Respect. Now, respect doesn’t mean agreeing with everything he does, ignoring repeated or intentional hurt, or submitting to his will unto sin. But it does mean that when he continually gets home late, doesn’t coddle your emotions the way you expect, spends money that makes you uncomfortable, or even if he fails monstrously at something and your whole family experience consequences, you are still *called by God* to esteem and honor him as the head of your family. We are accountable to God, who NEVER sins, NEVER fails, is NEVER insensitive or irresponsible. What’s more, God commanded this knowing that all men are imperfect and destined to mess things up. But he didn’t say, “respect your husband when he’s acting respectable,” just as he didn’t say “love your wife when she’s acting lovable.” So let’s stop degrading our men and making them work their way out of every hole they fall into. Let’s instead rally around them with abundant grace and gentle reassurance.
“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33)
“Am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10)
2. I can trust the Holy Spirit to convict sin. It is not my responsibility to repeatedly point out my husband’s sin issues or always try to “help” him see them. My trust and hope is in the Holy Spirit dwelling within him, who will NOT leave him in his sin. That’s the most beautiful thing about being married to a believer: if they have invited Jesus to be the ruler of their life, then they have been given a portion of the Godhead dwelling within them! So let’s give more credit to the power of the Spirit! My job, then, is to PRAY for his conviction and repentance, not for the sake of my own happiness but so that he can experience victory in his walk with The Lord. I can relieve myself from the burden of CONTROL and RESPONSIBILITY for his moral decisions, and instead treat him as if he had never sinned and already succeeded. I, too, have been forgiven MUCH by my God, who pours out grace upon grace!!
“He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior.” (Titus 3:5-6)
“When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth…” (John 16:13)
3. Criticism is not a motivator. At every point of conflict, I have a choice: I can choose to treat Michael like my best friend who I love–offering lavish encouragement, grace, respect, honor, and genuine care for him–or I can treat him as the enemy, making known his faults and my hurt, his failures and my righteousness. And then he must earn his way back into my favor. And sometimes–when it’s a really important issue–we girls do that really cute thing where we pout and put on our best forlorn face so that our husbands can *guess* what they did wrong. Because they should know right?!? Just STOP. Who in this world has EVER been truly motivated by rejection and criticism?! Not me!! And that’s the Gospel: when someone has really messed up, we *openly* acknowledge the wrong-doing and work together toward resolution while SIMULTANEOUSLY releasing that person from our debt, inviting them back into relationship in FULL. The good deeds of a Christian are not the PRECURSOR but the PRODUCT of God’s forgiveness. Real obedience comes from a genuine gratitude for what we have been lavishly given! In the same way, it is lavish forgiveness that will encourage and support our husbands toward moral rectitude. But watch out for how the Enemy will try to get a foothold here, like he did with me: if this becomes a manipulative I-will-forgive-you-if-you-promise-to-never-hurt-me-again thing, then the whole system breaks down. Because our identity and wholeness is found in our full redemption through Christ alone–NOT in approval or love from any person–we can pour out grace upon imperfect people and expect nothing in return. Only there is REAL freedom found.
“Then Peter came up and said to him, ‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.'” (Matthew 18:21-22)
“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up…” (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
4. Kindness goes a long way. Let’s just be honest about how easy it is to speak with harsh, insensitive words to the people we are closest to. We can inflict a lot of damage and build up dangerous barriers to intimacy in our marriage with a single careless word. But what if we make appreciation and a tender smile the bread and butter of our marriage? My sweet husband is the one who demonstrated these to me. Every time I walk into the room his face lights up as he looks me in the eye and greets me excitedly. (Sheesh, what else can a girl ask for?!) His joy and positivity motivate me to reciprocate, offering affirmation and appreciation for any little thing. It may seem strange to thank him for simply going to work or doing things around the house that I expect him to do, but don’t we all want to be appreciated for everything we do? Appreciation and general good-will toward your partner not only builds them up, but will also change your heart to become truly more gracious and humble. I heard a show on the radio when I was in middle school that has stuck with me. They speaker encouraged spouses to never speak negatively of the other’s character in the presence of others but to always build them up. I started doing this then for a friend of whom I was extremely jealous and resentful, and it really changed my attitude toward her! I realized that my issues were not her fault but resided in my own ugly insecurity…which is just the flip-side of pride. This junk totally works in marriage. Even if all you have for your man the first time is, “Gee, he sure is great at changing light bulbs,” you may begin notice many other great qualities and ways he shows love for you! In the process, the Holy Spirit will begin to do a beautiful work of adorning your heart with “the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” (1 Peter 3:4)
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)
5. Believe the best. “Are you sure you remember how to get there? Last time you got lost.” “If you don’t follow my instructions perfectly, you’ll mess up dinner again.” “You better not act awkward at this party… You make us both look bad!” Probably the lowest point in my marriage so far was when Michael once told me in exasperation, “I feel like you just expect me to fail.” Well….I guess I really did…what a jerk. Because men are hard-wired to need our respect and approval, they are probably more sensitive than we (or they) realize to our doubt and dissatisfaction. But what if at every turn we treated them as if they had already succeeded? A man who is told he is strong, able and trustworthy is much more likely to rise to the occasion than one who is berated and held in suspicion. He will be more motivated to thrive and succeed and learn and grow than if he has to prove himself again and again. Try treating him as if he’s already been an incredible husband and/or father for the last 100 years! This is much more likely to propel him into that role than if his help-mate constantly fears the future and expresses no confidence in his abilities or likelihood of success in each new situation or season of life. One of my favorite wedding presents was a plaque with instructions on “The Art of Marriage.” My favorite line says, “A good marriage is giving each other a safe place in which to grow.” Let’s invite growth by letting go of yesterday and believing the best today!
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)
“[God] does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. (Psalm 103:10-12)
6. Do first what only you can do. In 2011, in anticipation of our wedding day, Michael told me he was so excited to have a “buddy” to do life with, forever. “Forever-buddies,” I said. The term stuck! I am his ONLY forever-buddy. He has only 1 wife, and he needs my love and trust more than anything. In marriage, we are in this together, forever; we are One. My failures become his, and his become mine. And the same applies for our successes and strengths. I am called to trust him over and over, to pray for him always, and to be his advocate, helper, and cheerleader. Only *I* have that role. Am I stewarding my role well? Am I acting like we are ONE and building into this holy covenant? Or do I enjoy knocking him down, destroying our foundation brick by brick? Am I acting like his forever-buddy?? Compared to the demands of children, work, ministry or my social life, my absolute priority in my life is to be the godly wife God has commanded me to be. I am not “one” with any other person, not even my children. My heart belongs to one man and we will both reap great joy when I pour myself passionately into serving him.
“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.'” (Genesis 2:18)
“[Jesus said], ‘Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.'” (Matthew 19:4-6)
I hope that you walk away both challenged and encouraged. Remember, “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence.” (2 Peter 1:3) We are not equipped to do any of this stuff by our own power. This might sound terribly offensive, but I don’t know how any non-believers stay married. I know that I couldn’t do it without the help of the living God dwelling within me, showing me my sin and empowering me to love out of the overflow of His love for me!! I pray that every woman who reads this will be motivated to FIRST pursue deeper intimacy with Jesus. If you don’t know him, I hope that you will let go of your fear and pride and give your whole self to the One “who gave himself for our sins to deliver us from the present evil age.” (Galatians 1:4) Because, “to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.” (John 1:12)
[Disclaimer: I want to emphasize again that respect does not mean agreeing with everything your husband does or submitting to his will unto sin. If you are experiencing abuse–physical, verbal, emotional or otherwise–you will need a whole different set of tools that you may not find here. Remember that your role as a wife is NEVER meant to CHANGE your husband’s behavior. That will only lead you into destructive cycles of manipulation and co-dependancy that may need to be addressed with professional biblical counseling. Feel free to send me a message if you need assistance in finding this type of help.]
Know & Be Known 