The day after my first Mother’s Day, I was sitting in my rocking chair, holding my chubby sleeping 5-month-old, studying his eyelashes and the slope of his forehead…and I began to cry. I have cried many times in the last few months while holding this particular pile of sleepiness, usually out of an overwhelmed oh-my-gosh-I-never-thought-I-could-love-someone-so-much feeling.

But this time it was different.

I cried because I felt sad. And guilty.

I feel sad because I know countless women who live day-to-day in a lonely, familyless, babyless place, who long for life in their womb, snuggles in their arms, and/or a husband to come home to. I know others who have had Life in their bellies only to have to say goodbye to that most precious little one. Others had babies who spent more time in the NICU than in the womb, and some never got to come home. Still other parents are wanting to graciously bring home children born to someone else, yet are wandering through a desert wasteland of unexplained waiting. I feel sick thinking about all this suffering…

I feel guilty that my baby is so healthy, so happy, and that he’s mine. I feel guilty that I’ve wanted children so badly since I was a tiny kid, and I got one. First I got a husband who still takes my breath away and loves me harder that I ever hoped. Then we got this precious boy who lights up the room and takes my breath away in a whole new way.

And it’s just not fair.

Now, Jesus is dealing with me regarding this guilt thing; I know it’s not healthy or helpful for anyone. But at the root of the heaviness is the knowledge that I just don’t deserve the good things in my life. I believe God gives us these desires for marriage and families and babies. And sometimes he gives these things, and it’s rich and wonderful. But other times he doesn’t. Or he cuts the time short. And we are left with that lonely, burning question: WHY?

And I absolutely do not have an answer to that question…

But I know what the Word says about the character of God:

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4)

“For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good things does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.” (Psalm 84:11)

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

But Jesus also said,

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

When Jesus makes a statement like that, we can take it as a promise. He PROMISES tribulation in this world. But he also offers Himself and the victory he has over all things as an eternal salve for our wounds.

Truly, everyone suffers. If it’s not for lack or loss of family, it’s for the lack of money, the absence of community, the loss of a dream, or something else. We may not all experience the same hardships, but we are all united in that we ALL SUFFER. And we can be united in seeing our need for something bigger than what we can conjure up to satisfy our souls. And Jesus is that. At the root of every desire is a longing for joy, love, acceptance, companionship, and purpose. And those things Jesus gives freely to all who ask.

As I stare at my precious, healthy child, I can only think of one thing: I simply don’t deserve this sweet gift. I am not worthy. And the truth is, none of us are.

And that’s the Gospel.  

We didn’t deserve Christ’s substitutionary death for us, or even ask for it. It was “while we were yet sinners…while we were enemies of God we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son.” (Romans 5:8-9) And there is no good thing in this life that we have lived righteously enough to have earned. To believe otherwise exposes a pride that thereby disqualifies us from self-earned salvation. Yet God offers a gift greater than children, greater than family or wealth or happiness: HIMSELF.

I pray that you who are reading this who are walking through unimaginable pain and heartache, that you would fall on the arms of Jesus. That if the thought of Jesus being ENOUGH makes your angry or bitter or confused, that you would let go of those expectations and expect God to heal your wounds, hold your hand, direct your steps, and win your heart.

Because he sees you. And I see you. Your wounds are not forgotten or overlooked. You have a Savior who cares for you, who is familiar with suffering, and who loves his own glory enough to make good on every promise in his word.

AND THAT’S A LOT OF GOOD STUFF.

 “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. … What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:18, 31-32)

*If you have questions or thoughts about this, please share!!*