I don’t presume to know all about how to build the perfect marriage. But as a girl who has tried the wrong way to do just about everything, I can’t keep my mouth shut after all the incredible lessons I’ve learned. Man, our God is so patient and faithful! He has kept me from ruining my own marriage in the last 3 years by exposing 6 lies I was believing:

All lies I tell you!!!

1. I can only respect my husband after he has earned it.

2. If I don’t point out my husband’s sin, he’ll never realize what he’s doing wrong.

3. When my husband hurts me, he is my enemy until he earns his way back into good standing.

4. I don’t have to be grateful for the things that are expected.

5. My man’s track record must dictate how I treat him.

6. My husband doesn’t really need anything from me; I can live to please myself.

So if you can’t see all the ways these things could wreak havoc on the beauty and intimacy God intended for marriage, allow me to explain. The Lord revealed 6 biblical counter-principles to combat all this ugliness:

1. Respect ought to be unconditional. As a woman, how would I feel if my husband said, “This meal you cooked sucks. Maybe I’ll love you more if you can improve the recipe.” Or, “Gosh, you sure are acting ugly today. I’ll love you again when you do something lovable.” That would be awful!! But a lot of women don’t realize that respect is the universal “love-language” of men. So throw out the Golden Rule and treat men not how you want to be treated (expecting gushy emotion-sharing and opinions on interior decorating), and give your man what he really wants and needs: Respect. Now, respect doesn’t mean agreeing with everything he does, ignoring repeated or intentional hurt, or submitting to his will unto sin. But it does mean that when he continually gets home late, doesn’t coddle your emotions the way you expect, spends money that makes you uncomfortable, or even if he fails monstrously at something and your whole family experience consequences, you are still *called by God* to esteem and honor him as the head of your family. We are accountable to God, who NEVER sins, NEVER fails, is NEVER insensitive or irresponsible. What’s more, God commanded this knowing that all men are imperfect and destined to mess things up. But he didn’t say, “respect your husband when he’s acting respectable,” just as he didn’t say “love your wife when she’s acting lovable.” So let’s stop degrading our men and making them work their way out of every hole they fall into. Let’s instead rally around them with abundant grace and gentle reassurance.

“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33)

“Am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10)

2. I can trust the Holy Spirit to convict sin. It is not my responsibility to repeatedly point out my husband’s sin issues or always try to “help” him see them. My trust and hope is in the Holy Spirit dwelling within him, who will NOT leave him in his sin. That’s the most beautiful thing about being married to a believer: if they have invited Jesus to be the ruler of their life, then they have been given a portion of the Godhead dwelling within them! So let’s give more credit to the power of the Spirit! My job, then, is to PRAY for his conviction and repentance, not for the sake of my own happiness but so that he can experience victory in his walk with The Lord. I can relieve myself from the burden of CONTROL and RESPONSIBILITY for his moral decisions, and instead treat him as if he had never sinned and already succeeded. I, too, have been forgiven MUCH by my God, who pours out grace upon grace!!

“He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior.” (Titus 3:5-6)

“When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth…” (John 16:13)

3. Criticism is not a motivator. At every point of conflict, I have a choice: I can choose to treat Michael like my best friend who I love–offering lavish encouragement, grace, respect, honor, and genuine care for him–or I can treat him as the enemy, making known his faults and my hurt, his failures and my righteousness. And then he must earn his way back into my favor. And sometimes–when it’s a really important issue–we girls do that really cute thing where we pout and put on our best forlorn face so that our husbands can *guess* what they did wrong. Because they should know right?!? Just STOP. Who in this world has EVER been truly motivated by rejection and criticism?! Not me!! And that’s the Gospel: when someone has really messed up, we *openly* acknowledge the wrong-doing and work together toward resolution while SIMULTANEOUSLY releasing that person from our debt, inviting them back into relationship in FULL. The good deeds of a Christian are not the PRECURSOR but the PRODUCT of God’s forgiveness. Real obedience comes from a genuine gratitude for what we have been lavishly given! In the same way, it is lavish forgiveness that will encourage and support our husbands toward moral rectitude. But watch out for how the Enemy will try to get a foothold here, like he did with me: if this becomes a manipulative I-will-forgive-you-if-you-promise-to-never-hurt-me-again thing, then the whole system breaks down. Because our identity and wholeness is found in our full redemption through Christ alone–NOT in approval or love from any person–we can pour out grace upon imperfect people and expect nothing in return. Only there is REAL freedom found.

“Then Peter came up and said to him, ‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.'” (Matthew 18:21-22)

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up…” (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

4. Kindness goes a long way. Let’s just be honest about how easy it is to speak with harsh, insensitive words to the people we are closest to. We can inflict a lot of damage and build up dangerous barriers to intimacy in our marriage with a single careless word. But what if we make appreciation and a tender smile the bread and butter of our marriage? My sweet husband is the one who demonstrated these to me. Every time I walk into the room his face lights up as he looks me in the eye and greets me excitedly. (Sheesh, what else can a girl ask for?!) His joy and positivity motivate me to reciprocate, offering affirmation and appreciation for any little thing. It may seem strange to thank him for simply going to work or doing things around the house that I expect him to do, but don’t we all want to be appreciated for everything we do? Appreciation and general good-will toward your partner not only builds them up, but will also change your heart to become truly more gracious and humble. I heard a show on the radio when I was in middle school that has stuck with me. They speaker encouraged spouses to never speak negatively of the other’s character in the presence of others but to always build them up. I started doing this then for a friend of whom I was extremely jealous and resentful, and it really changed my attitude toward her! I realized that my issues were not her fault but resided in my own ugly insecurity…which is just the flip-side of pride. This junk totally works in marriage. Even if all you have for your man the first time is, “Gee, he sure is great at changing light bulbs,” you may begin notice many other great qualities and ways he shows love for you! In the process, the Holy Spirit will begin to do a beautiful work of adorning your heart with “the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” (1 Peter 3:4)

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

5. Believe the best. “Are you sure you remember how to get there? Last time you got lost.” “If you don’t follow my instructions perfectly, you’ll mess up dinner again.” “You better not act awkward at this party… You make us both look bad!” Probably the lowest point in my marriage so far was when Michael once told me in exasperation, “I feel like you just expect me to fail.” Well….I guess I really did…what a jerk. Because men are hard-wired to need our respect and approval, they are probably more sensitive than we (or they) realize to our doubt and dissatisfaction. But what if at every turn we treated them as if they had already succeeded? A man who is told he is strong, able and trustworthy is much more likely to rise to the occasion than one who is berated and held in suspicion. He will be more motivated to thrive and succeed and learn and grow than if he has to prove himself again and again. Try treating him as if he’s already been an incredible husband and/or father for the last 100 years! This is much more likely to propel him into that role than if his help-mate constantly fears the future and expresses no confidence in his abilities or likelihood of success in each new situation or season of life. One of my favorite wedding presents was a plaque with instructions on “The Art of Marriage.” My favorite line says, “A good marriage is giving each other a safe place in which to grow.” Let’s invite growth by letting go of yesterday and believing the best today!

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

“[God] does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. (Psalm 103:10-12)

6. Do first what only you can do. In 2011, in anticipation of our wedding day, Michael told me he was so excited to have a “buddy” to do life with, forever. “Forever-buddies,” I said. The term stuck! I am his ONLY forever-buddy. He has only 1 wife, and he needs my love and trust more than anything. In marriage, we are in this together, forever; we are One. My failures become his, and his become mine. And the same applies for our successes and strengths. I am called to trust him over and over, to pray for him always, and to be his advocate, helper, and cheerleader. Only *I* have that role. Am I stewarding my role well? Am I acting like we are ONE and building into this holy covenant? Or do I enjoy knocking him down, destroying our foundation brick by brick? Am I acting like his forever-buddy?? Compared to the demands of children, work, ministry or my social life, my absolute priority in my life is to be the godly wife God has commanded me to be. I am not “one” with any other person, not even my children. My heart belongs to one man and we will both reap great joy when I pour myself passionately into serving him.

“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.'” (Genesis 2:18)

“[Jesus said], ‘Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.'” (Matthew 19:4-6)

I hope that you walk away both challenged and encouraged. Remember, “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence.” (2 Peter 1:3) We are not equipped to do any of this stuff by our own power. This might sound terribly offensive, but I don’t know how any non-believers stay married. I know that I couldn’t do it without the help of the living God dwelling within me, showing me my sin and empowering me to love out of the overflow of His love for me!! I pray that every woman who reads this will be motivated to FIRST pursue deeper intimacy with Jesus. If you don’t know him, I hope that you will let go of your fear and pride and give your whole self to the One “who gave himself for our sins to deliver us from the present evil age.” (Galatians 1:4) Because, “to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.” (John 1:12)

[Disclaimer: I want to emphasize again that respect does not mean agreeing with everything your husband does or submitting to his will unto sin. If you are experiencing abuse–physical, verbal, emotional or otherwise–you will need a whole different set of tools that you may not find here. Remember that your role as a wife is NEVER meant to CHANGE your husband’s behavior. That will only lead you into destructive cycles of manipulation and co-dependancy that may need to be addressed with professional biblical counseling. Feel free to send me a message if you need assistance in finding this type of help.]